oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
