i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
There's even glitter on my cock...
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