Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
