My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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