My friends, they love my intelligence
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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