I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
time to smoke my breakfast
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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