I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
