alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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