How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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