I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
