Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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