you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We talked him into tasing himself.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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