There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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