1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
