When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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