I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You smell like stripper and shame
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
