i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
