Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
