Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
