i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
