Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize