he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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