my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
