Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize