I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
