Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
