Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
