Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize