if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
