today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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