The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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