It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
