So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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