I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
