I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he quoted the bible to break up with me
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
