I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
