I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
