based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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