last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
