I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
