those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We left the knife in your bed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
