1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
