umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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