She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i love accidental penises.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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