guys are only as good as the porn they watch
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
