I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
