Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
