The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My vagina is officially offended.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
