Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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