dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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