you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
