all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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