ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize