I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize