The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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