woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
