Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
