moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
