I wish my penis had an off switch
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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