There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
