Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
it hurts more in the daytime
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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