U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm at about main and main street
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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