You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
