was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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