im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
and she was petting her beer can
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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