shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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