You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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